Shalom

What do I want 2013

So I love the thought of a New Years’s Resolution and I consider it every year. Giving up the things I love, like chocolate, or limiting things in my life.

This year, is about not limiting things. After watching the Convocation Ceremony for the class of 2016, I realized that the key speaker had a point. Many of the greats committed to something in their life, and drove it home. 

My first semester as an RA, I was committed to our community. 

This semester, I’m going to be committed to myself. Being more open to fun, emotions, and incorporating self control. 

I want to be down to 105, but that takes steps. My current weight is 123. I was doing well over the holidays to have self control, then something happened which flipped my switch. 

When I am unhappy, I stop taking care of myself. Although working out and eating healthy  is such an important part of my life, after something happens, I stop. I over eat and limit how I take care of myself. 

I want to become more involved in my major and throughout campus, while taking care of myself and putting my relationships in the forefront. 

Moving on

I go back to school in about 3 weeks and being off work has been working perfectly for me. I’ve been able to think through things in my personal life and figure out what I want. So here is a short list of what I want to have or be before school.

A good example.

Fit…again.

Together with my classes and schedule.

Knowledgeable about what I want in a guy and what I want with myself.

To be a supportive friend/RA.

After reading the book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, I realize there are a bunch of misconceptions about life. The worst thing to do in my opinion is over think it. I want to live a life that supports those around me.

Emotionally Obese

Getting up for work today was rougher than yesterday, but it happened. I go through the day at work and try my best to do what my boss expects of me. Although I try my best in helping out other employees and working in a team oriented atmosphere, I am unhappy.

Unsettled.

Uninterested.

Uninspired.

Overly emotional.

Avoiding my obvious issues.

This is causing me to have other issues in the strongest parts of my life. I miss who I was before I came home. The strong, relentless girl that was took rude comments with a grain of salt. 

I’m tempted to quit my summer job with two weeks left. I leave for school in the next two weeks and have allowed myself to be drained emotionally from working at the golf club. I can’t do it anymore. They have changed the atmosphere of the club, and allowed the status quo to decline. Rather than working in a supportive environment, our boss degrades us for speaking our opinion or attempting to stand up for ourselves. I’m growing up and away from this place, I can’t be hear anymore. I struggle to look past the judgements of others and understand who I really am. I come home and binge because I feel worthless, for the work I do, for who I am, and for my personality in general. I speak well about other employees and try to uplift them, but enough is enough. It’s time to get out. 

Working on Me - 119

So, I decided to start blogging my feelings on Tumblr. I honestly don’t know the tumblr. etiquette but needed a true place to vent, rather than annoying friends and parents. 

All my life I have wanted to be one of those people that people enjoy being around. I am only 19 years old and understand that I have a long road ahead of me… so I hope. At two years old I suffered from an Aortic Aneurysm and nearly died. Up until 6th grade, I was a very active child and participated in soccer. I had my second surgery in 6th grade and was told I would never be allowed to play competitive sports again. Throughout high school, I struggled with diet and exercise. I wanted to look like every other teenage girl and be treated as one. To stay in shape I ran and worked out with my mom. My mom has been fit ever since college, and puts pressure on me to be fit as well. I began dating my sophomore year to a funny and outgoing soccer player. Although he was a great guy, I was probably too insecure to stand up for myself at times. Because he spent much of his time with other athletic students, I felt even more pressure to be fit and thin. My diet in high school consisted of an apple for breakfast, apple and yogurt for lunch, and half a portion of whatever everyone in my family ate. I was able to maintain an ok weight, but eventually lost my period due to low body fat. After creating an obsession with my body, I began to feel disconnected with my boyfriend at the time. After the year and a half relationship I struggled to make him and myself happy, so I broke up with him before our senior year. Although I truly struggled to say end the relationship, it had seemed like he didn’t care at all. The night we had broken up I had asked him to come over, but like most days he made an excuse for something that was more important. I was tired of being overly sensitive, so I called him and told him we were too different to be together. All he asked was why, and the phone call lasted 4 minutes. 

My heart was broken. Not only had I given him a year and a half, but it only took him 4 minutes to have me out of his life. My self esteem level hit rock bottom. Although I was at a content weight, my mother convinced me I was becoming anorexic. I’m unsure now if she had just been seeing my unhappiness in the relationship, or how I was truly eating. Throughout the whole year she had pressured my now to gain weight to have a normal menstrual cycle. She was even going to have me take birth control. I began to truly reject anything she would tell me and ignore her. To avoid her I worked three jobs on top of taking community college and high school courses. I distanced myself from everyone, and although I was lonely, I was content. I looked forward to going to school in the fall and getting away from my summer jobs. 

Throughout my Freshman year, I struggled with difficult courses and worked on who I was. I was able to workout and maintain a healthy weight, but sometimes binged on unhealthy food when I was unhappy. If I had a bad day, I would by a pint of icecream and bag of candy from the convenience store. If it was a goodday I would reward myself with too much chocolate. I maintained an ok weight, and was able to be with the people that made me happy. 

Throughout all my experiences up until this summer, I was healthy, but because at times I was insecure I would either binge or starve to punish myself. This habit began when my mother began to tell me she thought I was anorexic. 

Once I came home for summer, I gained over ten pounds. Mainly because my mom thought it was her job to tell me how to work out and eat. I lost control over my eating and excersicing habits, the two things that kept me most happy and healthy. To this day she will walk up to me and tell me about an exercise I should be doing to look better. I understand that my mom is interested in keeping me happy, but I am 19 years old. I know how to keep happy and in control. I don’t need two voices of reason in my head. The fact that she can’t seem to leave me alone leaves me frustrated with myself for being a failure, and frustrated with her for never being able to please her. 

So… I’m cutting her off. I am no longer allowing her to talk about these things to me in efforts to get my life on track. I do not aim to be her picture perfect daughter, but myself. Happy and outgoing, small and cute. Now 119 to be 105.